Night Thoughts

March, 2007

Ginger and I are already receiving a good amount of feedback on Desperate Pastors’ Wives, both in published reviews and from people who e-mail us via our Web sites. Having worked in publishing and media for years, I knew to expect a range of opinions on our work, but it never ceases to amaze me how dramatically different people’s opinions can be.

For example, we’ve heard from several pastors’ wives that they “couldn’t put the book down,” were “moved to tears” or “felt like (we) understood what (they are) going through.” I was so happy to read those comments because our ultimate goal with the book is to honor pastors’ wives and help others see that they should honor them, too.

And then there are the negative comments. Now as I said, after years of writing I’ve grown pretty thick-skinned and I know you can’t please everyone. But the few negative e-mails we’ve received bothered me on a different, sort of sad level because it reveals how misguided some folks are in their realities and expectations. For instance, a pastor’s wife from Michigan said:

“The problems you referenced are very real and I have seen so much tragedy in pastors’ families that it was very offensive to see the characters handled in such a trivial way. If I knew any of these people I would not want to visit their church or even be friends with them.”

Ginger and I tried to parse this out, because while we don’t want to dwell on one person’s comments, we do want to try to understand this woman’s viewpoint. But we were puzzled over what she said. From what we could understand, she is acknowledging that we hit on the right topics, but she thought we took too light of a touch in how we handled them.

As we outlined this book before writing, Ginger and I discussed how deep we wanted to go with these stories. We felt it was important that we use four characters so we could show four different experiences. The problem with doing that, though, is we can’t get terribly in-depth on each character (unless we want a 600-page novel!). So we decided to use real-life situations, but not make them too gritty. For example (and I don’t want to spoil the plot for new DPW readers here so I will be careful), we could have had Joel physically abuse Lisa. Or Felicia could have gone out and had an affair to get back at Dave. Or Jennifer could have become a Buddhist! The possibilities are endless, but my point is that we didn’t want to bring dishonor to PWs by showing them in extremes. Instead, we wanted to show how they deal with everyday issues and how the extra pressures of ministry make their lives difficult but not impossible.

And that brings me to another set of comments we received, this time from a layperson:

“What kind of stuck out to me … is that none of them really sought or ever spoke about seeking God. Not with any believability. They didn’t SOUND like pastor’s wives. Without getting judgmental, most pastors’ wives are called by God to be a pastor’s wife. They believe as deeply as their husbands do about the ministry. All that said, obviously there are problems and pitfalls. But these ladies (with the exception of Felicia, since she didn’t marry a pastor — her husband became one later) didn’t think or talk like a PW. They thought and talked like any other church member. Christians, but not in ministry.”

This one really captured my attention because this is exactly the type of person for whom we wrote this book! Yes, dear reader, PWs do indeed think and talk like other church members. While their hearts are in ministry and they hopefully are more grounded and certain in their faith because of that, they are really just regular human beings like the rest of us who are fulfilling their call. As such, it might not always be their first inclination to “take it to the Lord in prayer” before yelling at their husbands or thinking bad thoughts about church members or feeling like their faith has lost its luster.

After all, aren’t we all in a ministry of some sort? My husband might not be a pastor, but I am doing my best to attract people to the cause of Jesus. It’s a struggle for all of us, but it’s not like PWs have some corner on the market and can always rise above the fray. They mess up and have to ask for forgiveness occasionally, too.

Ginger and I will continue to collect and discuss these comments (we do respond!). The second book in the series, A Matter of Wife and Death, is already written, but we have yet to start the third book. As PWs send in their stories (we’ve gotten some doozies already) we might try to incorporate them into Book 3. Feel free to comment here or e-mail either of us with your input. We keep everything confidential.

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March 23, 2007 | 2 Comments | View or add comments

Oh, yeah – I almost forgot . . .

A certain book with the title "Desperate Pastors' Wives" went on sale officially yesterday. It is on Amazon and Christianbook.com, and should be "everywhere," as they say. If not, ask for it and the bookstore will order it for you for free (a little-known fact).
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March 21, 2007 | 0 Comments | View or add comments

Lessons from the Sons

The gospel reading at my church today was Jesus’ parable of the prodigal son, my favorite Bible story.

I don’t know why I like it so much. Maybe it’s because it’s multi-layered. Or maybe it’s because it shows grace in its purest form.

Those of us who haven’t really strayed from a relationship with God might look at the prodigal son and think of other people we’ve known who’ve lived that story. You know, the nephew who hit rock bottom doing drugs or the sister who got a DUI and finally turned her life around. But my pastor made a good point today when he said we are all guilty of “squandering” what God (the Father) gives us, as the son was when he took his inheritance and lost it all only to end up living with pigs.

My church corporately recites a penitential rite at each service. It is a confession, where we are reminded that we’ve sinned against God and against our brothers and sisters. But the part that always gets to me is when we confess and ask for forgiveness for “what I have failed to do.” I’m not perfect and I do wrong things, but it is what I fail to do — what I squander — that appalls me the most when I consider it. And I have no good excuse except that I’m lazy, tunnel-visioned, and, ultimately, human.

The other part of the prodigal son parable I find compelling is when the older son complains that there was never a party for him. “I’ve been here doing the right thing and working my butt off,” he essentially tells his father, “and you’ve never thrown me a party.”

Ah, how many of us “lifer” Christians can identify with that? It’s not always easy to be a Christian. It would be much easier to take the path of least resistance and live however we want, whether that means eating and drinking ourselves to death, having sex with anyone we want, stealing from our neighbors, or whatever. So what’s the incentive? Why not just wait ’til we’re older and more likely to die so we can “sow our oats” now and make amends later? I mean, if we know God is waiting to forgive, can’t we — like Augustine — just put it off and “enjoy” life a little?

I think this all comes back to our mission on earth, which is to learn to love God better. The prodigal son missed out on months or years with his father. Perhaps he missed family celebrations, laughter, stories, and the rewards of working together. In the same way, when we deny ourselves a relationship with God, we are putting off the joy that comes from learning to love him better.

Finally, my very favorite part of the story is when the father sees the son. It says the father saw him when the son “was still a long way off.” If the father saw him from afar, he must have been watching for him. In other words, the father was confident that the son would return someday, so he eagerly awaited his arrival, ready to embrace him without question. So not only does God —the Creator of everything — offer to forgive and forget, he does it before we even ask! He’s virtually chasing after us, saying, “Hey, you! Over here! Come get a hug and let’s get on with this relationship!”

Wow, if that doesn’t blow you away, I don’t know what would.

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March 18, 2007 | 0 Comments | View or add comments

Trial Time for a Desperate Pastor's Wife

Mary Winkler, the pastor's wife who shot her husband last year, will go on trial April 9. The prosecution has said they will not seek the death penalty. She's been out on bail for months, working at a dry cleaner and, for some reason, unable to even have supervised visits with her three little girls.

I wonder who they will call for defense witnesses? If her husband had been in any other profession, they would call work associates and the couple's friends. But we all know that pastors' families are notoriously reticent to share their dirty laundry with anyone, especially people at the church. If Mary was abused, can anyone substantiate it?
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March 15, 2007 | 0 Comments | View or add comments

Getting There

When people ask me to which Christian denomination I belong, I usually answer “evangelical Catholic.” That’s if I answer anything at all, because sometimes I just don’t want to open that can of worms, and with an answer like that, it’s more like a barrel full o’worms.

But that’s what I consider myself. For 28 years, from ages 3-31, I was a dedicated (mostly, save for a few wilderness years during my, ironically, Christian college days) evangelical Protestant. I was raised in the Church of God, a Wesleyan-Arminian group based in Anderson, Ind. As an adult, I also attended Nazarene and Methodist churches, whose theologies were very close to the Church of God.

Something clicked in me in 1998, though. It wasn’t so much that I disagreed with the Nazarene church where I was a member, it was that something was missing. I felt an empty place in my worship and theology. In an effort to recapture that, I thought back to the churches of my childhood and what they meant to me. And, lo and behold, which church kept resonating with me? The Catholic Church. My parents never took me there, but growing up in Northeast Ohio I had many Italian friends, and when I spent the night with them they took me to Mass. Even as a child, I loved it.

So in 1998, I decided to revisit the Catholic Church. Wow, from the first time I stepped inside St. Didacus it was as if a light switch flipped on inside me. To make a long story short, this is where I re-found the Lord. (I’ll save that story for another time.)

That’s why I say I am an evangelical Catholic. I am a member of the Catholic Church and follow its teachings, but I am an Evangelical in the sense that I want more people to become Jesus followers. My theology hasn’t changed as much as my practice of it has.

Some Protestants try to lure me away from Catholicism by complaining that Catholics “really don’t know Jesus as their personal Savior.” To these Protestants, the lack of a moment in time when Catholics come forward and pray the sinner’s prayer -- “get saved,” some might term it -- means they aren’t really Christians.

I beg to differ. Twice, Jesus was asked how to gain eternal life, and both times he answered the same basic way:

1. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind.
2. Love your neighbor as yourself.

No sinner’s prayer! Now, of course it is important to do the things in the sinner’s prayer, but as a Catholic I do those things more frequently than at one moment in time. I regularly confess my sins, both privately and corporately. I ask for forgiveness. I acknowledge that God is the almighty. I ask Jesus to come into my heart and make me a better person, more like him. I do these things ALL the time -- not just at an altar one Sunday night in May.

Amy Grant, back in her acoustic days, sang a lovely lyric for “In a Little While” that said “We’re just here to learn to love him.” I sing that in my head a lot, as a reminder of my purpose. It’s so easy to get caught up in the junk of life, but when you strip it down, we’re really just here to learn to love God. Some of us do a better job than others (I hope I’m not in line behind Mother Teresa at the pearly gates!) but, as my college campus pastor Don Collins told me one time, “God honors the journey.” It’s a pretty easy choice: strap on your walking shoes for the journey to learn to love him, or selfishly deny him and spend eternity separated from the Creator.

I’m on the learning journey, but most days I wish there was a walking stick and a Dummy’s Guide.

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March 15, 2007 | 0 Comments | View or add comments

This is … American President

I know I should be talking about my book since it comes out next week, but I’ve really got politics on my mind. And it’s my blog so I’ll talk politics if I want to (with apologies to Lesley Gore).

Speaking of Gore, will Al run? It seems like he’s the media darling right now, but hopefully he’s got the brains to stay out of the presidential race. I’ve always wondered what would possess anyone to want to be President (besides pow-uh) anyway. Interestingly, the Democrats always seem to do better work outside of the presidency. Witness Jimmy Carter and his work with Habitat for Humanity and world peace. Or Bill Clinton and his work on the global AIDS crisis. Perhaps it’s good that Gore wasn’t elected or he never would have been able to do the movie and book that could have a profound effect on how we view the environment. Kudos to him.

So whom does that leave? I am convinced I would have a lovely chat with Hillary over a cup of coffee, but she is way too polarizing to be President of the U.S. I get the woman, I really do -- she’s a wonker, and she means well. But she’s not presidential.

And that leaves Obama, at least for the blue voters. Who is Obama? Heck if I know. What I find intriguing about him, and potentially unifying, is that he presents as a black person but identifies as a white person. How cool is that in our melting pot country? He’s even admitted that he really can’t commune on the plight of African Americans in this country because he was raised in a white community. So it will be worth watching to see how he relates to these various publics.

Meanwhile, the red side is fumbling around for candidates. John McCain, God bless him, is not our man. I can’t fathom what he went through in Vietnam, but that’s not enough to make me vote for him. He’s flipped and flopped so much that I don’t know what he stands for anymore.

Rudy Giuliani -- “America’s mayor” -- is compelling. He certainly seems like someone who can come in and get the job done, and his moderate stance on most issues would provide common ground for blues and reds. But is his authoritarian model what we’re looking for after Mr. “I’m the Decider” has proved to decide pretty much everything wrong?

Lastly, there’s Newt Gingrich, who must have been gritting his teeth as he went on Focus on the Family with James Dobson to try to attract the evangelical vote. From what I heard, his message was how painful it was to be a hypocrite (he was having an extramarital affair while leading the charge against Clinton over the Lewinsky scandal), and how we should give him extra points for admitting it. OK, I’ll give him extra points, but only one, and that’s for having the guts to go on with Dobson and spew such nonsense.

Which reminds me, I am particularly gleeful these days that the Dobson/Robertson/Falwell clan doesn’t seem to have a presidential nominee marionette to push around for this election. Maybe this time we can have a reasonable discussion about ALL of the issues facing this country, and not just abortion, gay marriage and Israel. I think that’s what America wants.

So...whom to vote for? Gee whiz, at this point it feels a bit like American Idol, doesn’t it? You see the handful of frontrunners, but you know it’s a long road of performances ’til the final vote. Anything can happen between now and then.

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March 14, 2007 | 0 Comments | View or add comments

Night Thoughts

March, 2007

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